A life of flourishing and well-being consists of five elements: 1) Living with positive emotions; 2) engaging in activities and hobbies that make you forget about time, 3) good relationships, 4) activities that contribute to a meaningful life and 5) getting something done, that is, accomplishment.
Men want less conflict and more sex. That is it.
What does a woman want? She is looking for trustworthiness in a man. This trustworthiness is, however, more than bringing home the money and the end of the month, it also more than fidelity. This trustworthiness must be more than honesty, more than transparency.
Women generally have two complaints: My partner is not there for me, and, I feel a bit lonely in this relationship and not that connected to him. She needs a man who can let her heart feel cherished and cared for. It is all about her emotions.
If a woman feels that she cannot trust the man in her life with all her (beautiful and ugly, cheerful and angry) emotions, she will feel lonely and may evade the bedroom. Men are different. Most men just want to FIX THE PROBLEM and get it over so that life (and sex) can go on.
But, women don’t want to be FIXED. She seldom wants your advice. She wants to be listened to, she wants to feel less lonely. She needs to feel emotionally safe with the man in her life.
Be honest – sometimes the big feelings of women scare the crap out of you. Nothing can send a grown man into a panic faster than tears that seem to come from nowhere, make no logical sense, and call for a two-hour “talk” to make them subside. You want immediately to get to the source of the problem, but that is not how women work – (Gottman).
A man doesn’t have to solve the problem, you don’t have to, you don’t have to wonder whether you must send her to a psychiatrist. You must know that she wants to feel less lonely and that happens when you listen to her – in a non-defensive way without giving advice. ACCEPT AND VALIDATE ALL HER EMOTIONS. Then her heart will feel very safe, the relationship causes blinking eyes and the sex is good.
Men want to get over negative emotions as soon as possible – these emotions are annoying! For women, however, emotions are just natural – like breathing. FOR WOMEN, EMOTIONS ARE OPPORTUNITIES FOR INTIMACY. During the two hour talk while you are listening to her, she is on a journey to intimacy, she feels less lonely, and she becomes safe.
The goal is to understand the unique, amazing, annoying, complex, frustrating, fascinating woman you are in a relationship with. For many years, I personally adhered to the following: “His words create her beauty.” However, a much better way would be: “His ears create her beauty.”
andrebothasa@gmail.com
